What Is Given in Forgiveness?

I would like to tell you a story from my personal life. It’s the story of two books, actually. The story starts in 2005, when I read a book on the pharmaceutical industry that had a deep and lasting impact on me. It’s called THE TRUTH ABOUT THE DRUG COMPANIES.

This book is by a woman named Dr. Marcia Angell, and she served on the staff of The New England Journal of Medicine for two decades, eventually becoming Editor-in-Chief of the prestigious journal. So she knows her stuff regarding pharmaceutical companies.

I remember when I read the book because I recall talking about it with my best friend at the time, who today I will call Charles. In 2005, Charles and I were starting a book publishing company together, and after I read this book we had considered publishing something similar. 

Charles and I talked about what I’d learned in this book. How it didn’t seem right that drug companies are able to use public funding for research, then spend billions of dollars on advertising, and then charge very high prices for the drugs they sell, making plenty of money.

But, as THE TRUTH ABOUT THE DRUG COMPANIES explained to me, pharmaceutical companies are able to do these things BECAUSE IT IS LEGAL. This is the way our legal system is set up. This is what our legal system permits. So, to a pharmaceutical company, it’s alright.

You see, IN THE BUSINESS WORLD, ACTIONS ARE TYPICALLY CONSIDERED “RIGHT” IF THEY ARE LEGAL. I speak right now from my own experience, from my years earning an MBA and then working in Corporate America. “PROFIT” is “GOOD,” and “LEGAL” is “RIGHT.”

Again, from my own experience in Corporate America, IF SOMETHING IS LEGAL and it can make money and your business DOES NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE of it, then your competitor will. You find what are often referred to as “LEGAL LOOPHOLES” in all sorts of industries. 

“PROFIT, MADE LEGALLY” IS WHAT IS CONSIDERED TO BE “ETHICALLY RIGHT” IN CORPORATE AMERICA. There are noted exceptions among more ethically-minded businesses. But in summary, this is what I learned from my time at Business School, and after.

In 2005, when I read this book about the pharmaceutical industry and its legal loopholes, Charles and I explored the idea of publishing something similar. We discussed finding another book about how “WHAT IS LEGAL” and “BUSINESS ETHICS” are not one and the same.

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Let’s come back to the second part of my story with Charles and what happened with the book publishing company he and I started in a bit. Remember: my story is about TWO BOOKS, and I’ve only told you about ONE of those books. Also, Charles WAS my best friend. That’s a hint. 

But before I come back to what happened with Charles, the guy who used to be my best friend, and tell you the end of that story, we need to talk about FORGIVENESS. And TO TALK ABOUT WHAT FORGIVENESS IS, WE MUST FIRST ASK HOW FORGIVENESS WORKS. 

If I pick up this hymnal, do I need to ask for forgiveness? What about if I sit in this pew here? How about if I hand you this pen? Is any forgiveness necessary for these acts? OK, what about if I reach over here and grab this Bible – OH, EXCUSE ME – and set it down over here? 

See what just happened? I felt the need to ask for forgiveness. Why? Was it because I moved the Bible? No. It was something else, right? What was it about my moving the Bible just now that made it appropriate to ask for forgiveness? 

Before, when I picked up the hymnal, sat in the pew, and handed a pen over to someone else, I didn’t need to ask for forgiveness. But when I reached for the Bible, I did. Why? What was different about reaching for the Bible? 

I didn’t need to ask for forgiveness for just going about my business. But WHEN WHAT I WANTED TO DO interfered with WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTED TO DO, now there is a situation in which forgiveness might happen. 

You have a reasonable expectation of sitting in your seat during worship and not having some pastor get in your personal space to make a point during a sermon, right? IT’S SORT OF AN UNSPOKEN LAW, in fact. And when my behavior breaches that law, there is an issue.

If I don’t ask for forgiveness after such a breach, and you don’t give it, that issue between us can remain unresolved. It becomes an open issue. WITHOUT FORGIVENESS, THE ISSUE BETWEEN US REMAINS OPEN. AND LIKE AN OPEN WOUND, THE ISSUE CAN FESTER.

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What does the Bible teach us about forgiveness? First, it tells us to ask God for forgiveness of our own sins. Jesus instructs us in Luke, 6:37, “Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” Then in the next verse, 38, Jesus continues, “Give, and it will be given to you.”

You see, THERE IS A GIFT IN THE ACT OF FORGIVENESS. It’s right there, in the word “forgiveness” itself: “for” “give” “ness.” And that’s not accidental in the English word, either. In the other two languages I’m familiar with – German and French – we find the same thing.

The German word for “forgive” is “Ver-geben,” for example. “Geben” in German is the verb “to give.” We see something similar in the French word “Par-don.” “Don,” from the Latin “Dona,” as in the word “don-ate,” also means “to give.” 

It can be DIFFICULT to ask for forgiveness for our own sins, as the Bible calls us to do. But have you also found that it can be much MORE EASY to pray to God and ask for forgiveness of YOUR OWN SINS than to forgive THE SINS OTHERS HAVE MADE AGAINST YOU?

WITH OUR OWN SINS, we can confess to our Lord, take up one of his many promises of pardon, and have our souls restored. Of course, we have to do the difficult work of recognizing our sins, and of praying to God in repentance to turn from those sins and back towards God.

But, WITH OUR OWN SINS, the process of asking forgiveness from God seems fairly straightforward. Concerning THE SINS OTHERS HAVE MADE AGAINST US, the process can be more messy, inconvenient, and confusing in comparison to asking forgiveness for ourselves.

With sinners who BETRAY US, who EMBARRASS US, who HURT US in that place we are most vulnerable, it can feel like climbing a mountain to even tell them we forgive them, let alone as Jesus tells us to, “forgive your brother or sister from your heart” (Matthew 18:35).

We have a propensity to INVOLUNTARILY REPLAY THE OFFENSES OF OTHERS AGAINST US. We see the scene over and over. We hear the hurtful words in our minds. And we feel the betrayal, the embarrassment, the pain over and over. 

Like a worm, offenses against us THREATEN TO BURROW DEEPER AND DEEPER WITHIN US. The initial shock in the moment becomes a growing sense of HOW COULD THEY? And the closer the relationship, the greater the chance of infection. 

David knew this well when he writes in Psalm 55, “It is not an enemy who taunts me —then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me — then I could hide from him. But it is you, a man, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend” (Psalm 55:12–13).

In these words from David, IT IS NOT AN ENEMY WHO TAUNTS ME. IT IS NOT AN ADVERSARY WHO IS INSOLENT WITH ME. IT IS MY FAMILIAR FRIEND. When those close to us hurt us, there is nowhere to hide. There seems to be nothing to do.

We see, summarized in this Psalm, one of the hardest situations for we Christians. We have been well taught on what to do with your sins against God: recognize them, pray for forgiveness from God, and repent to turn away from that sin and towards God. 

But our hearts feel less well-instructed in what to do — and not to do — WHEN OTHERS SIN AGAINST US. Our instinct is to caress the offense in our heart, hold a grudge, or seek to pay them back. Sadly, I know each too well. THIS IS LIVING IN RESENTMENT, and it can eat you.

LIVING IN RESENTMENT IS SELF-WILL, NOT GOD’S WILL. We know that if this person who had wronged us asked GOD for forgiveness, GOD would give it to them. AND WE KNOW THAT WE CAN COAST IN SELF-WILL FOR A WHILE, BUT WE CAN ONLY COAST DOWNHILL.

So what does Jesus tell us to do when others have wronged us? First, go to him. Reason with him. Just the two of you. “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15).

Notice what Jesus tells us here. GO TO THE ONE WHO HAS INJURED YOU, BUT DO NOT GO TO CREATE MORE INJURY. Do not go to take vengeance. Do not even go to prove you are right, and the other wrong. Do not go in order to accumulate more strength for your grudge.

Paul tells us in his letter to Ephesians: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26–27). Paul is telling us here to do the work in our own hearts, alone with God, before we do anything else.

Paul tells us here “not to sin in our anger,” not to go to those who have wronged us out of a desire to create more wrong. No. Paul tells us that GOING TO THOSE WHO HAVE WRONGED US WHILE WE ARE STILL ANGRY will create “more sin” for us, not less.

On the other hand, notice what Paul tells us about waiting too long to go to the person who has wronged us. “Do not give the devil a foothold.” Paul is talking about RESENTMENT. Paul is telling us explicitly that failing to make right with someone who has wronged you will fester.

If you want to let the devil into your life, as Paul tells us, then procrastinate, neglect to resolve your anger toward others, AND STEW WITH RESENTMENT. Don’t ever talk with them. Let the sun sleep before you have quieted and calmed your heart in prayer and confession before God.

You might recognize Paul’s instruction by something we have talked about together over the past weeks. WHAT PAUL TELLS US IS A DIRECT EXAMPLE OF HOW WE LOVE UP TO GOD IN ORDER TO LOVE OUT TO OTHER PEOPLE.

In this church, in this family, we know that taking up our cross to follow Jesus is difficult. But we also know that WE ARE NOT ALONE. When we feel our anger at someone who wronged us is getting worse, not better, WE ASK FOR HELP. FROM GOD. FROM EACH OTHER. 

Isn’t it amazing that the alternative to hating your brother in your heart is talking to him? I am not to keep the offense in my mouth and savor it as candy; rather, I am to let it out through “speaking the truth in love,” as we are told in Ephesians 4:15.

I have made the mistake of understanding “go and tell him his fault” as “assume I have interpreted things correctly,” or that “I am in the right, the other person is wrong,” and then conclude “I should tell this person I have it all worked out and they should apologize.” 

I’ve learned to say instead, “I PERCEIVE you have done this,” or, “I BELIEVE you might have wronged me in this way.” These have proved more fruitful beginnings. But be honest. Don’t downplay the hurt they have caused. But do, DO speak plainly, and OUT OF LOVE FOR THEM.

To some, this will be very difficult. You despise conflict. You despise people disliking you. You would rather just let it blow over. But what is the alternative? WOULD YOU RATHER HARBOR RESENTMENT INSIDE, AND ALLOW YOUR BROTHER TO GO ON DOING WRONG? 

You see: YOUR DESIRE FOR SELF-PROTECTION IS HATE TO YOUR BROTHER. Half the time, while you might expectantly wait for an apology, your brother has no idea he sinned against you. YOUR NOISELESS BITTERNESS ROBS YOUR BROTHER OF REPENTANCE.

And just as importantly, RESENTMENT ROBS YOU OF THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOVE. IT ROBS YOU OF THE OPPORTUNITY TO GROW, in courage, in obedience, in LESSENING YOUR RELIANCE ON SELF-WILL. And in self-awareness and repentance if you are wrong. 

I wager that silent resentment has done even more harm among us than any conflict arising from plain speech. No one has done more ill to you than you. No one has given more offense, no one has caused more problems, no one has made your life harder for yourself than yourself. 

OUR OWN SIN — NOT THE SINS OF OTHERS AGAINST US — IS ALWAYS OUR BIGGEST PROBLEM. Not “him over here” or “that person there,” but ME. THE SINS OF OTHERS – EVEN THOSE AGAINST ME – HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH MY OWN SALVATION. 

The sins of others can’t ruin my soul – at least, without my permission. But if I invite the wrongs done to me into my heart, and give them space there in my heart, and time to stay there, they will fester. They will create hate for others where there should be space to love God.

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Back to my story about my friend Charles and the two books. Remember I told you the first book was one I read back in 2005, and it was about ethics in the pharmaceutical industry. Well, the second book I read was called EMPIRE OF PAIN, and it came out in 2021.

EMPIRE OF PAIN is about the history of a wealthy family, who founded a company called Purdue Pharma, which produced the drug Oxycontin. The book explains their role in the creation and marketing of that drug, and the family's central role in the opioid epidemic.

I was reading this second book because in the 15 years that passed since I read THE TRUTH ABOUT THE DRUG COMPANIES, Charles had been prescribed oxycontin for a legitimate medical condition – cluster headaches, which are like migraines but even worse. 

Charles struggled mightily with these cluster headaches. He tried everything. He gave himself shots of something called Imitrex, which dilates blood vessels and helped somewhat with the debilitating pain. He had big tanks of Oxygen in his apartment to help him breathe.

His legitimate medical prescription for this condition turned into something worse. And in 2021 – two years ago next month – he died of an opiate-related overdose. That is how my story about Charles resolves itself. It ends with his death. 

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH FORGIVENESS? Well, I had a name and a face to direct my anger towards. Court documents show the family who made Oxycontin were actively involved in pushing it as a “non-addictive alternative” to other opiate pain medications.

This family was sued in court. So we have records of what they specifically told judges about their role in the current opioid crisis in our country. They were found guilty, and per the Department of Justice website have been required to pay $4.325 billion for their actions.

And they never really apologized. BUT WHAT GOOD WOULD IT HAVE DONE ME IF THEY HAD APOLOGIZED? Would it have brought my best friend back? Best Man at my wedding. I was Best Man at his. Publisher of up-and-coming writers. A lifeline to struggling artists. Dead.

Why does it often feel so wrong to us to NOT WANT VENGEANCE? IT IS BECAUSE SUCH A SYSTEM OF EXCHANGE, TRADING ONE HURT AGAINST YOU FOR ANOTHER HURT AGAINST HE WHO HURT YOU IS THE FOUNDATION OF ALL EARTHLY LAW.

All Earthly law is organized around the idea of “JUST PUNISHMENT.” In Earthly law, someone wrongs you, or wrongs others, and a judge hears what happened, weighs the infraction, and metes out what that judge deems to be appropriate punishment. AN EYE FOR AN EYE.

But WHAT CAN EARTHLY LAW DO FOR ME IN THE FACE OF SOMETHING AS TERRIBLE AS DEATH? What would be an appropriate punishment? I can’t forgive this family directly. Only God can do that for me. It is a forgiveness between myself and God.

Jesus tells us something both very specific and very helpful about THE LAW. “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them… (Matthew 5:17).” JESUS TELLS US HE HAS COME TO FULFILL THE LAW.

He goes on to tell us a few verses later, “For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:20). EARTHLY LAW IS LESS THAN GOD’S LAW. 

JESUS BRINGS US A LAW OF LOVE, AND OF FORGIVENESS. AND IT FULFILLS EARTHLY LAW. Forgiveness is a way to honor the dead – perhaps the ONLY appropriate way. It is a way that transcends all the requirements of a just punishment. 

FORGIVENESS IS THE ONLY LAW THAT MATTERS WHEN SOMETHING TRULY TERRIBLE HAPPENS TO US. Because failing to forgive creates a separation between us and God. It actually becomes OUR problem to hold onto something so terrible, and refuse to forgive.

SO WHAT IS “GIVEN” IN FORGIVENESS? GRACE. AND LIKE ALL FORMS OF GRACE, IT IS BEYOND EARTHLY LAWS. Let me give you an example of how grace is beyond earthly laws. If I have this pen, it’s because you don’t. But if I give you love, you have more to give yourself.

You see, GRACE IS BEYOND THE EXCHANGE SYSTEM OF ALL EARTHLY LAW. IT REPLACES “AN EYE FOR AN EYE” WITH “TURN THE OTHER CHEEK.”

The clearest example of this is love. LOVE CANNOT BE GIVEN OUT WHEN IT IS OWED, LIKE A PUNISHMENT IN EARTHLY LAW; LOVE EXISTS ONLY WHEN IT IS NOT OWED, WHEN IT IS FREELY GIVEN. 

This pure gift is the heart of everything Jesus instructs us to do when we are called to take up our cross and follow Him. And for Christians, it’s more: it is the heart of the still greater redemption to come. It is not the logic of Earthly law; we are called to something higher.